Back to Life. Back to Reality.

What took you so long? Well, welcome back. Glad to have you.

I’ve been meaning to write for a while, but nothing was coming to me. What changed? Well, nothing. Then, like a FIFA ref to Rachel Buehler, the realization red card hit me: writing about nothing is infinitely better than watching this dingleberry on the Bachelorette trying to keep Carrie Underwood’s little sister interested while he talks about the environment.

Hold that. She’s about to drop the people’s elbow on this guy. “I don’t know if I see you as my husband.” Boom. “You don’t want to meet my family?”

Don’t worry, buddy. There are plenty of other fish in the tank-less water heater.

“I’m shocked. [Pause] I want to spend the rest of my life with someone. [Tear]”

If all else fails, maybe you can be Will Scheuster’s stuntman and see if things work out with Emma.

But you’re not alone. Many have gone before you, and many will follow after. You fell victim to one of the classic blunders. Of course, the most famous is “Never get involved in a land war in Asia,” but only slightly less well known is this: “Never go on television looking for the love of your life.”

If we’re stuck in a reality television world, the least they could do is force the contestants onto shows they didn’t sign up for. Blindfold the Bachelorette guys and force them onto one of those Wipeout courses. Make the Big Brother folks cook on one of those British guy’s shows. Make the Expedition Impossible people switch places with the Amazing Racers. Well… on second thought, scratch that and have every Survivor contestant ever sit in a room and watch every episode of Survivor and give the last one left in the room a million bones.

I think I’m starting to realize why people read books… or get cable. Honestly, I could go either way.

Stay cool.