My Digital Paper Boy Just Hit You in the Face

So it’s been a while… For those of you with A.D.D., this post is right up your alley. For those of you with epilepsy, might want to avoid the flashing lights - this post may have a flair for the psychosis. What have we missed since last we got together…

Personals

You ever wish your quiet neighborhood was suddenly infiltrated with millions of horny, pubescent creatures dangerously in need of some Visine? Who needs internet dating when you can live in a hole for 13 years only to wake up to a gaggle of girls that really only want to have kids?

Current Events

Happy belated Mother’s Day to mine. She’s better than yours, but we don’t have to get into that. Evidence: Me. And leftovers.

Sports

Did you know Nashville had a hockey team? Did you know Memphis has a basketball team? Did you know the NBA and NHL playoffs are nowhere near over? You're welcome.

Health

Then there was the time I flew with a sinus infection. I’m not asking to play a major role in your life, but let me make a difference here. A Greyhound bus may have a negative connotation. That connotation won’t make your brain explode. Pick up a can of Lysol and make sure your armrest is down.

World News

A couple of top secret stealth helicopters full of Leroy Browns flew into a residential neighborhood, a couple of hundred feet from a military training academy, and took down the most wanted man in the world. Oh, and they brought a dog along. I’m not here to give an opinion for or against the celebration of a man’s death, but someone should give Waldo and Nemo a heads up.

Pop Culture

Tonight, Glee took a moment to kick me and the rest of their audience squarely in the metaphorical crotch when they somehow roped us in to not changing the channel when they assembled a playlist that included the following: Rolling in the Deep, Friday, and Dancing Queen. America, emasculated.

Coupons

A few weeks back I had the pleasure of purchasing $93.78 worth of milk and ice cream. In case you were wondering, that’s 15 and 8 gallons, respectively, at Scottsville, Kentucky Food Lion prices. To the poor girl who checked me out, I apologize and wish you the best in your quest for interpersonal skills.

Now get out there and spit game like a cicada. Remember you’re fly.