For Optimal Viewing Pleasure, Read on a Jumbotron

Today’s novel novelette [Note: I fully expected that to be red-squigglied, but apparently novelette is a word – guess I’ll have to stick with “parablismic” as my attempt at making an original entry into the dictionary. Parablismic – adj. Worthy of being a parable; an analogy on steroid-laced AGH - Analogy Growth Hormones.]… Anyway, today’s novelette: Obedience to a large screen.

We live in a culture that longs to do what Simon says. Sure, we all think we’re above the law. Some people speed. Some people let their grass grow beyond the allowable limit of the local ordinance. Some people post ads on Craigslist in an effort to find a new victim… But a vast majority of humankind cannot resist the urge to obey a jumbotron.

You pass random people in public and you’re lucky if you don’t get hissed at once a week, but you put a clipart picture frame on a huge TV screen and paste the words “Smile Cam” on the top? Nothing but chiclets.

Two words and eleven exclamation points can make an stadium full of introverts shriek like Tatum Riley when Billy Loomis hits the garage door opener. “Make Noise!!!!!!!!!!!” So you won’t scream just because I typed it on the internet? What if you were reading this on a jumbotron? Don’t act like it wouldn’t work.

Then there’s the Kiss Cam. Really? Aside from the rare humor found when the guy goes for the lips and ends up with a tongue full of dandruff, there is nothing entertaining about watching people kiss at sporting events. Okay… two sets of dentures colliding on screen can sometimes be considered cute, but even then, that’s really only if you’re trying to be the next one on screen with the member of the opposite sex next to you who is also claiming the mustache-to-mustache contact is cute.

What is it about the big screen that makes people stop thinking and start pulling out pale triceps flab for the Gold’s Gym Flex Cam? Sure you could pull a Jamie Foxx and blame the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol, but the PDA happens regardless of the BAC.

Where else will this work? After I bought a Mercury or two, if I had money, I might just try to rent one of those LED billboards and give a few friendly suggestions to passers-by… [Just imagine the exclamation points because I dislike exclamation points.]

Close Your Eyes

Change to Mix 92.9

Put Your Hands Up, They’re Playing My Song

Stop Sucking at Driving

Slow Traffic Keep Right on Picking Your Nose – No One Will Notice

On The Count of 3, Everybody Take a Hard Right...

1...

2...

Your Blinker Has Been On Since You Changed to Mix 92.9

You’re a Grown Man… Trade in the Beetle

Think About What This Screen Is Telling You To Do Before You Do It

Keep Alabama Beautiful... Then Let Your Leprechaun Friend Drive Your Unicorn Home.